I am a teacher, it's what I do. I love teaching and I always will, but in the summer time I am given the opportunity to over analyze and over think everything.
I am not a big crier, I never have been. Deaths have taken place and I don't shed a tear. Yet, since December this has seemed to have changed. For example a few days ago I sat down and cried, and I mean a good all out water works cry. Why you ask? Well let me inform you.
I had a miscarriage in December, right over Christmas to be exact. I'll be honest, I didn't even know I was pregnant yet. I didn't tell any family or even my husband (considering his birthday is the day after Christmas). Suddenly I was put into this really weird place of shock, I could have been a mom. For all of you wondering, I did not terminate the pregnancy, I would love to be a mom. Then the other day I started thinking what if that was a sign? ( I know I totally over think things). I wonder if that means that I am not supposed to be a mom? Maybe I am supposed to just be a teacher and love the students that I get instead of my own child. I don't know.
Yet, here I am sitting on the couch crying my eyes out, because I think that I am not meant to have that experience. And when the hubby asks whats wrong, how in the world am I supposed to tell him that? Here I go again with the thinking too much.
I dealt with the whole situation alone. My husband knew that I had miscarried, but we chose to keep it between us. I let my mom know and a few "friends", but it was all me. The tears that I cried and the physical pain was all me. No one asked if I was alright. I am still not alright. I will get through the whole thing though, I have to right? Alright enough of the complaining and the sob story, geesh.
I just needed to get it out. I am sorry to those of you who may feel offended that I did not share this information, it was a personal decision and I hope that you can respect that.
Life hands all of us blows Jess; some of which are devastating, some just take adjustment. Life is very, very tough at times and other times it is wonderful! Stop to smell the roses, Jess, meaning take time to acknowledge and relish the good things in your life, especially the things that get overlooked.
ReplyDeleteI understand that it is difficult emotionally, but a miscarriage is simply nature's way of telling your body that it is not right for a (full term) pregnancy. That's all. Don't over think it. Best not to try right away because whatever the problem is it may not have corrected itself. Lots (and lots) of women have had miscarriages and have gone on to have many, many healthy pregnancies. So PLEASE put this occurrence in perspective, Honey.